


MERLIN EMRYS: Guide and Owner's Manual

by AngelQueen



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Crack, Guide and Owner's Manual, Humor, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-27
Updated: 2012-07-27
Packaged: 2017-11-10 20:53:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/470571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngelQueen/pseuds/AngelQueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Need some help cleaning the house? Sick of him being reckless and insane? Read the manual and your troubles will soon be at an end!</p>
            </blockquote>





	MERLIN EMRYS: Guide and Owner's Manual

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sure you've all seen those 'Guide and Owner's Manual' humor fics in other fandoms. I've never seen a _Merlin_ -themed one done before, so I figured why not? ;)

**Merlin Emrys: Guide and Owner’s Manual**

Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a fully automated **Merlin** unit! To ensure that you get the full benefit of your adorable warlock, please pay careful attention to the following instructions.

* * *

  
**Section One : Basic Information**   


**Name/Alias:** Merlin, “Emrys”, Idiot, “Young Warlock”, Dragonlord, etc.  
 **Date of Manufacture:** Unknown (the **Hunith** unit isn’t talking, no matter what bribes are offered)  
 **Place of Manufacture:** Ealdor, Albion (formerly Cenred’s Kingdom)  
 **Height:** around 5’11”  
 **Weight:** a bit more than a twig  
 **Race:** Human (magical variety)

 

_Your **Merlin** unit will come with the following accessories:_

\- 1 book about magic  
\- 1 Sidhe staff  
\- 1 carved wooden dragon  
\- 3 sets of clothes (shirts, neck scarves trousers, boots, etc)

 

When you first open your **Merlin** unit, he will be insatiably curious and cheerful. If **magic** is banned in your area of residence, please inform him of this immediately in case he gets it into his head to save you or a bucket of water from falling. Don’t forget to reassure him that you hold no such prejudices against magic, however!

 **Cleaning:** The **Merlin** unit is perfectly capable of cleaning himself, according to the traditions of the society he was born to. If this is not clean enough for you, then please feel free to instruct him. Thoroughly. *wink*

* * *

  


**Section Two : Programming**  


Your **Merlin** unit is sweet and fun, and can carry out the following functions:

\- **Manservant:** contrary to the beliefs of certain ~~prats~~ princes and/or kings, the **Merlin** unit is quite skilled in cleaning and keeping things in order. Magic comes in handy in this function, provided he is careful about its use, of course.  
\- **Advisor:** He gives excellent advice. If you need inspiration to overcome your half-sister’s nefarious coups, a few words of advice about thinking as well as fighting, or whether or not to submit to an arranged marriage vs. marrying the love of your life, **Merlin** will be there for you.  
\- **Protector:** Some would argue that this is the **Merlin** unit’s primary function. He is an insanely powerful warlock after all. If you’re ever in danger, he will be there.

 

_Your **Merlin** unit comes with **five** different modes:_

\- **Dragonlord**  
\- **Friend/Advisor**  
\- **Lover**  
\- **Manservant**  
\- **Warlock**

 

The **Dragonlord** mode is activated whenever the **Merlin** unit is ever in contact with the **Kilgharrah** unit (sold separately), or with any other dragon-related creature. He can command dragons with his deep, otherworldly voice, inspire fear in stupid thieves out to steal dragon eggs, or have a multilayered, complex conversation about destiny with them.

 **Friend/Advisor** mode is activated in either casual situations (often at the **Merlin** unit’s own instigation), or when someone is sorely in need of advice or a willing ear. He will tease and laugh, or offer some fine pearls of wisdom where appropriate.

The **Lover** mode actually has two sub-nodes -- _het_ or _slash_. The _het _sub-mode is notoriously fussy, often only activated when the **Merlin** unit is in proximity to the **Freya** unit (sold separately). The _slash_ sub-mode can be activated at will, however.__

__**Manservant** will activate when there are servant things to be done. Need your clothes washed, your armor polished, your bed made, a bath drawn, and not enough time to do it all? Just flip the switch and he will get to work (with some grumbling)._ _

__The **Warlock** mode activates whenever there is a need for magic. Not the simple cleaning magic that can appear in **Manservant** mode, but the serious ‘I-Will-Fuck-Your-Shit-Up-If-You-Look-At-My-Friends-Wrong’ kind of magic. Is your home in danger? Are your friends and family in need of magical assistance against a tyrant? **Merlin** will be there to help._ _

__

___Reactions to other units:_ _ _

__**Arthur Pendragon:** This unit is the **Merlin** unit’s best friend. **Merlin** believes in him and will seek to assist him however possible. There’s no harm in leaving them alone together, but don’t be surprised if they run off on some quest every now and then. _ _

__**Gaius:** This unit is a mentor and father figure to **Merlin** , and **Gaius** will encourage him to tread cautiously, particularly in regards to his magic._ _

__**Guinevere (Gwen):** The **Gwen** and **Merlin** units are very close friends. They’ll be just fine._ _

__**Gwaine:** This unit is a good friend of the **Merlin** unit, but they have a tendency to get into a number of scrapes together. Warn the local taverns._ _

__**Lancelot:** Another good friend to the **Merlin** unit. The **Lancelot** unit is aware of his magic, and will be ready to assist **Merlin** in any magic-related incident, and then subsequently cover for him when necessary. _ _

__**Morgana:** The **Merlin** unit’s reactions to this unit varies, so exercise caution when these two are put in the same room together. If the **Morgana** unit is in **King’s Ward** mode, then things should be all right, as the **Merlin** unit will consider her a friend, but if she is in either the **Le Fey** or **Morgause’s Good Little Soldier** modes, DO NOT let them catch sight of each other, or your house will probably end up completely trashed as they proceed to try and kill each other._ _

__**Mordred:** The **Merlin** unit is extremely wary of this unit, and will dislike the idea of letting him anywhere near an **Arthur** unit. Do not leave them alone unless you wish to hear of your **Merlin** unit trying to kill the **Mordred** unit and starting an unholy feud with him._ _

__**Morgause:** Treat her the same as a **Mordred** unit. _ _

__**Uther Pendragon:** Erm, the **Merlin** unit will probably avoid this unit as much as possible, given that **Uther** is extremely magic-phobic. Don’t try to force them to interact unless a **Arthur** unit is nearby to keep the peace, and even then, it’s still not recommended._ _

* * *

____

  
**Section III : Frequently Asked Questions**  


 **Q:** My **Merlin** unit is being extremely stupid and reckless with his magic! How do I make him stop before he gets himself killed?!  
 **A:** Get a **Gaius** unit. He’ll instill at least _some_ caution in your wayward warlock.

 **Q:** My **Merlin** and **Arthur** units are behaving strangely. I’m used to them running off on quests, but now they keep smiling and touching each other. I even caught my **Merlin** unit sneaking into **Arthur’s** chambers last night! WTF is happening here?  
 **A:** Most likely both units have activated their _slash_ sub-modes. As for what is happening in **Arthur’s** chambers, read any number of fanfics. I’m sure you’ll get the gist of what they’re up to.

 **Q:** My **Merlin** unit keeps eyeing my **Lancelot** unit suspiciously. Oh, and **Lancelot** has a sudden liking for black clothes. What’s going on? I thought these two were friends (and opposed to the color black in all ways)!  
 **A:** Uh oh. Your **Lancelot** unit has gone into his **Morgana’s Bitch** mode. Proceed with extreme caution and commandeer your **Merlin** unit’s assistance in reseting him before he commits suicide and **Merlin** is forced to bury him in the Lake of Avalon. 

**Q:** **Merlin** is behaving strangely fretful and worried, keeps muttering about **Arthur**. Why?  
 **A:** Most likely the **Arthur** unit is going through some kind of crisis (his kingdom has been taken over by his half-sister, there are magical creatures harassing his people, etc), and the **Merlin** wishes to offer him his support and/or advice. Just point out the **Arthur** unit and step back. They’ll be fine after **Merlin** gives his heartfelt speech.

* * *

  
**Section IV : Warranty**  


With proper care, your **Merlin** unit will provide you with many years of happiness and fun until he grows old and dies, unless a magical battle, a pyre, or heartbreak kills him first. However, if you grow bored with the wondrous warlock, you can return him to our company (CAMELOT UNITS INC.) for a full refund (within twelve months of purchase). 


End file.
